Local Wally's Guide to San Diego

The original locals guide to San Diego...since 1996

Risky Business, But Worth It!

My attorneys want you to know that traveling to Mexico is dangerous, idiotic, and stupid. The Federales (police) are corrupt, life is cheap, and hold ups and beheadings happen so often that it doesn't even make Fox News any more.

In recent years the Mexican drug cartel has made Mexico into a war zone and horror stories of tourist mistreating's (and worse) began to surface. In reality, while I don't doubt many of the stories are true, the risk isn't quite as high they would lead you to believe. Still, if you're planning to go you should make this towards the end of your trip just in case, well, in case something goes wrong. At least then you didn't ruin your entire vacation!

Even with all of the negatives, there's something compelling and interesting about a trip to Mexico. But not Tijuana - TJ's a dump and should be avoided at all costs! Instead go an hour south of the border to Puerto Nuevo, once a sleepy little fishing village. That is, until 1956 when someone had the bright idea to drop a lobster into hot oil and serve it up with tortillas, rice and beans. Word got out and soon the tourists were lining up for that unique flavor of Puerto Nuevo style cooking. Is it good? Oh yeah, it's really good!

Stuff to Bring, Things to Know Before You Go

1. Bring your passport

2. Bring US dollars for the toll road and stash a few twenty's in the car for bribe money in case you get pulled over by the police. Relax, you probably won't need it!

3. Make sure your rental car is authorized to travel south of the border.

4. Get extra Mexican insurance on this side of the border.

5. Go for lunch and come back before the sun goes down.

6. Too chicken to drive? Then take a guided Grayline Bus Tour.

As you cross the border into Tijuana, don't be shocked and turn back. Look, I told you it's a mess there but don't worry, you'll soon (hopefully) be out of town and on your way. Your first task is to get to the toll roads. Follow the signs that say "ROSARITO/ENSENADA" and look for the sign at the bottom of the hill that says "Rosarito/Puerto Nuevo/Ensenada Cuota." "Cuota" is the Toll Road - You want that road!

Driving in this area is hazardous, so drive defensively and stay out of trouble and control your road rage! On my last visit I was cut off by a carload of NUNS, no kidding, but did I chase them down or honk my horn? No, I let the nuns go because this is Mexico and who knows, maybe those nuns are dangerous - they might have guns!

Once you are on the toll road, you're set for a bit. Of course, every now and then you'll have to pass another toll booth. Each toll is about $2. You can stop at the various places along the way if you like - Rosarito Beach has "horses" you can ride on the beach (or are they burros? I can't tell). Me, I got lobsters on my mind so I keep driving. About 45 minutes to an hour from the border you will spot a sign for Puerto Nuevo. That's it - get off the toll road and keep driving south.

We're here! Now what? Where to eat, What to do?

DISCOUNT HOTELS / DISCOUNT ATTRACTIONS / LAST MINUTE DEALS / Explore Tijuana safely with Gray Line Tours

Once you park you'll pass rows of shopping stalls with trinkets and T-shirts. Who can resist? Barter with the shopkeepers, who all speak English, and don't be afraid to walk away if the price is too high. Chances are you'll find the exact same maracas in a stall down the street. Cheap booze, too. A bottle of Cazedores or Patron tequila never sounded better.

But You Didn't Come All This Way for A Crummy T-Shirt, did you?

Nope, and I know by now the smell of lobsters in the air is making you hungry... and impatient. But don't dive into any old lobster shop, and be wary of the "deals" like 5 tails for $20. Expect to pay around $25 for a large lobster with all the fixings and expect to pay in cash - most don't accept credit cards.

So how do you pick a good restaurant? It's actually easier than you think. As you walk down the street, you'll notice that there are multiple restaurants with "Ortega" in their name. That's because Ortega knew a good thing when he saw it and figured the more restaurants he opened, the better the chance your dollar will end up in his wallet. And that's good, because Ortega's is a great place to dine on lobsters - nice and predictable, almost like dining in an American restaurant. My favorite is Ortega's Patio at the end of the street. It's a brick building with ocean view.

LOCAL WALLY HOT MARIACCHI TIP: If you see the band of mariacchi's coming towards your table, make like Stevie Wonder and turn the other way. Wave them off like a band of weasels because once they start to play at your table it's $5 per song!

There are plenty of other good restaurants as well, notably La Casa de Langosta (long lines, but some folks swear this is the best place), The Lobster House (nice, large restaurant that caters to tourists) and Puerto Nuevo II (some claim this place has the best food). Be wary of some of the tiny lobster shops as they sometimes serve up frozen lobster during off season.

Now here's the way it works. When you sit down, a waiter will come by with a tray of lobsters to show you the size. At first you might be attracted to the football sized lobster ("Yea baby!"), but resist that temptation - giant lobsters are tough. Get the large size, typically about $25. Do NOT get the medium, even though you think it might be a better deal (wives sometimes think like that) because I am convinced that if you don't get a large, you automatically get a small - and will pay for a medium. I usually get a lobster apiece for each person, and then add a half lobster for each guy. Just do it - you don't want to have to wave the waiter back to order another one later.

And please, don't get all healthy and order the steamed lobster over the deep fried. It's not like you eat this stuff every day and when's the next time you're going to be back in Mexico? The flavors are so unique and wonderful that you have to just forget about Atkins and just dive in and enjoy. Besides, honestly, haven't you already blown your diet on vacation?

The spiny lobsters have no claws but don't think it's all about the tail. There's plenty of meat around the legs and head, just dive in and start cracking - it's worth the effort.

The margaritas are very strong and I usually order them by the pitcher to save costs. I know, pitchers of margaritas usually mean sickenly sweet lime aid with a splash of booze, but this ain't no El Torito. Expect a full octane experience and please, get them on the rocks, not frozen. Final note - you can't barter price for food so don't even try unless you like a glare from the guy who's responsible for bringing out your food!

Lines to get back into the US can be long, so just be patient and watch for crazy drivers who will do anything to get a car length in front of you. As you approach the border, there is a "secret" right lane on the other side of the booths (you'll see what I mean when you get there) that is sometimes faster. This is also you last chance to buy that Bart Simpson piggy bank, so if you want it, yell out your window as you creep by the booths and they will be happy to sell it to you. Remember - barter! Crossing the border will require your passport, and no goofing around (i.e. Do not say "Osama, you doing OK under the seat?") unless you LIKE being delayed.

Back in the US stuffed full of lobster, it's time to get that designated driver a drink! Worth the risk? You decide for yourself, but those who venture and return intact often claim that this was one of the best meals and the coolest experiences of their vacation. Mmmm, it's so good just thinking about it is making me hungry!

LOCAL WALLY'S PUERTO NUEVO TIP FOR CHICKENS: OK, I don't blame you if you like your head attached to your body and don't want to risk your life for a crustacean. Good news is that Ortega's opened a restaurant right here in San Diego. OK, it's not quite the same and the lobsters are teeny tiny small, but perhaps that's a small price to pay to experience Puerto Nuevo lobster without the risk.

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Your Pal,

Local Wally